If God had Voicemail

            Most of us have now learned to live with
 "voice mail" as a necessary part of our daily lives.
 But have you ever wondered what it would be like if 
 God decided to install voice mail?

        Imagine praying and hearing the following:

        Thank you for calling Heaven.
        For Hebrew, press 1.
        For Yiddish, press 2.
        For all other languages, press 0.

        Please select one of the following options:
        Press 1 for Requests.
        Press 2 for Giving thanks.
        Press 3 for Complaints.
        Press 4 for all other inquiries.

            I'm sorry; all personnel  are busy helping
 other sinners right now. However, your prayer is
 important to us, and we will answer it in the order in 
 which it was received. Please stay on the line. 
 If you require special attention and would like to speak to:
        God,  press 1.
        Moishe Rabbeinu, press 2.
        Moishe ben Maimon, press 3.

        If you would like to hear King David sing a
 psalm while you are holding, press 4.

         To find a loved one who has been assigned to
 heaven, press 5, then enter his or her social security
 number, followed by  the "pound" sign. (If you receive 
 a negative response,
 please hang up and try area code 666).

                For answers to nagging questions about
 dinosaurs, the age the earth, life on other planets,
 and where Noah's Ark is, please  wait until you arrive here.

                Our computers show that you have
 already prayed today. Please hang up and try again
 tomorrow.
          The office is now closed for the weekend to
 observe a religious holiday.
                Please pray again on Monday after 9:30
 a.m. If you are calling after hours and need emergency
 assistance,  please contact  your local rabbi.

        Thank you, and have a heavenly day