Purim Spiel 2003

Do Not Be A Silly Goose
This Year's Theme Is Doctor Seuss

by Stephen R Balzac
sbalzac@alum.mit.edu


Copyright © 2003 Stephen R. Balzac.  
Permission granted to redistribute and/or perform so long 
as this copyright remains attached.

Chapter 1

Narrator
King
Vashti
Prince Turner

Narrator:  
Welcome to the Book of Esther,
such a story, it couldn't be bester.  
In Shushan does our story begin.  
It has a Mordechai, but not a Menachin.  
Persia is ruled by Ahasuerus, 
rhyming that name doesn't scare us.  
Because his name we'd like to shorten, 
from henceforth we'll call him Norton.  
So we shave off half an ounce
and get a name we can pronounce.  
The king, they say, was rather dumb, 
perhaps from drinking too much rum.  
Although he never ate a fig, 
his stomach was three sizes too big.  
And I don't know if it's true at all, 
but they say that his brain was three sizes too small.  
Other parts we will not mention, 
but leave to your imagination.  
For three years the king did reign, 
and basements in Shushan flooded again and again.  
Now his party has lasted for six months, 
with food and wine and amazing stunts.  
He calls now for his beautiful wife, 
and gets a shock - the surprise of his life.

King:  
Vashti, Vashti, come and dance, 
wiggle, jiggle, waltz and prance!  
Come, Vashti, come and try it, 
my advisors would all espy it.

Vashti:  
I will not wiggle, jiggle, waltz or prance.  
I will not come and do a dance.

King:  
Come, come, Vashti, don't be hasty.  
We will find it very tasty.  
You can dance with a fox.  
You can dance in your socks.

Vashti:  
I will not dance in my socks.  
I will not dance with a fox.  
I do not wish to dance at all, 
do you hear me, not at all!

King:  
Will you try it in the moat?  
Would you, could you with a goat?

Vashti:  
I will not dance in the moat, 
I would not, could not with a goat, 
Surely, King, you must be kidding
if you expect me to do your bidding!

King:  
This deed must not be done!  
It is interfering with my fun.  
Call forth Turner, my Prince of Medea; 
his wisdom will this case expedia.

Turner:  
Your majesty, you do not need to pout,
I can certainly help you out.  
Favorable tax status is all I ask, 
and then I will be about this task.

King:  
As you ask, so shall it be; 
for my corporate friends all rides are free.

Turner:  
Then, your majesty, it is simple.  
No more will Vashti have her dimple.  
For this deed she must lose her head.

King:  
But will she not then be dead?

Turner:  
If Vashti lives, she is a threat; 
other women will press the bet.  
Before we can cry enough-erage, 
we will have women's sufferage!  
Vashti without her head cannot set a precedent, 
but she'll still be smarter than the president.

King:  
So must Vashti lose her head!  
Call forth my executioner, Fred.

Narrator:  
So Vashti did encounter Fred, 
and in that meeting lost her head.  
She no longer needs to wash her hair, 
which used to give her quite a scare.  
And without her head she needs no hat, 
and that - as they say - is that.  
The beauty contest comes up next, 
because the king is oversexed.

Chapter 2

Narrator
King
Servant
Mordechai
Esther
Bigthan
Teresh

Narrator:  
King Norton grew not wiser, but a little older; 
he realized that his bed was colder.  
Only so much wine could he drink, 
even if it filled the kitchen sink.  
Through the alcoholic fog a thought did creep, 
penetrating his drunken sleep.  
Though none would be any wiser 
if Vashti became an economic advisor, 
now that she had lost her head, 
she could no longer warm Norton's bed.

King:  
I fear that perhaps I did make a mistake, 
a concept that does take the cake.  
Where shall I find another girl, 
one who is a beauty, not a churl?

Servant:  
If your majesty would find a girl of beauty, 
you must call upon the people to do their duty.  
A great contest you shall declare, 
all must come whose faces are fair.

King:  
A pretty face is fine to see, 
but will that be enough for me? 
To look at girls is not my goal, 
I might as well sleep with a mole.

Servant:  
A mole that's blind is no great find.  
Surely you can do much better, 
just sign the bottom of this letter.  
All the girls will come to Shushan, 
from India, Ethiopa, and even Mushan.  
Before the king the girls will walk, 
dance, and prance, but never stalk.  

King:  
But if she is wearing stalking feet, 
might she then stalk in the heat?

Servant:  
Your orders I will dispatch, 
and soon you will have your catch.

Narrator:  
In Shushan there lived a certain Jew, 
you knew he was coming, didn't you?  
His name was Mordechai, son of Kish, 
a seller of lox and knish.  
A few more ancestors there are, it's true, 
but we don't want to be boring you.  
Esther, his niece, he had brought up, 
ever since she was a pup.  
Esther is whom this story is about, 
in case you had the slightest doubt.

Mordechai:  
Tell him not that you're a Jew, 
he might hold his breath and then turn blue.

Esther:  
I will not tell him I'm a Jew.  
I do not want him to turn blue.  
I will not tell him with a fox, 
I will not tell him with some lox.  
I will not tell him on a train, 
I will not tell him in the rain.

Mordechai:  
All right already, you've made your point.  
Go now and your head anoint.

Esther:  
Just one question I must ask, 
before I go about this task.  
Won't he know that I'm a Jew, 
when he sees the things I do?

Mordechai:  
The king sees nothing but his wine, 
he drinks whenever he sits down to dine.  
He'd never notice you're a Jew, 
even if an etrog you grew.  
A seder plate under his nosy, 
would only remind him of a wine that's rosy.  
Shabbat candles burning bright, 
he'll go drink a wine that's white!

Narrator:  
And the girls came before the king, 
and he did laugh and shout and dance and sing.

Servant:  
Your majesty does laugh and shout
you sing and dance and prance about.  
Your majesty is no longer sad; 
indeed you do appear quite glad.

King:  
Indeed I do drink and prance about, 
but say not that I am a drunken lout.  
It may be a truthful thing to say, 
but whomsoever says it, with their head will pay.  
This contest I know will have a winner, 
she will be the one to make me dinner.  
But some of these girls are quite a fright, 
let this not be a hard day's night.

Servant:  
Your majesty has been working like a dog; 
fear not, soon you'll be sleeping like a log.

Narrator:  
Esther came before the king at night, 
and the things she did made him feel all right.  
So she became the royal queen, 
leaving the other girls with envy green.  
Meanwhile, Mordechai sat in the gate, 
for news of Esther he did wait.  
There he sold his lox and knishy, 
while there came to his nose something quite fishy.

Mordechai:  
Two plotters against the king do I hear; 
I shall go hide in this barrel of beer.

Bigthan:  
Does the king give us aught to drink?  
Perhaps a cheap wine, you would think?

Teresh:  
No wine or spirit, that is so true, 
not even the stuff that tastes like glue.  
All we get is beer that's awful, 
when I drink it I feel all cough-full.  

Bigthan:  
It's even worse than I feared; 
tonight it tastes like someone's beard.

Teresh:  
Upon King Norton let us lay our hands.  
We'll tie him and bind him with thick rubber bands.

Bigthan:  
We'll drown him in his beer.  
His body will go on a bier.  
The king's beer bier it will be called, 
and into his tomb he will be walled.  
But what a flambeau he would make, 
if they decide to let him bake!

Narrator:  
When Mordechai from the barrel did crawl, 
he could not walk, but only fall.  
The beer had left him drunker but wiser, 
he went to Esther to advise her.  
Bigthan and Teresh were hanged upon a tree; 
they hung up there for all to see.  
In the Book of Records this tale was written, 
and then it was quite fergitten.  
In our next chapter the villain shows, 
he will come before it snows.  
The next chapter in our plan, 
is of course, Green Eggs and Haman.

Chapter 3

Narrator
King
Haman
Mordechai

Narrator:  
You probably did not know,
but nine whole years did come and go.  
The king grew older but no wiser.  
He decided to appoint a new advisor.  
He sought after a new breakfast treat 
before he had some food to eat.

King:  
Perhaps I am only in a lull, 
but breakfast has become quite dull.  
Oh to have something new to eat, 
that would be a wondrous treat.

Haman:  
Your majesty, I have the solution 
for what to eat after your ablution.  
Green eggs and pork make a wondrous treat, 
they are so very good to eat.  
You can eat them at your table, 
you can eat them when you're able.  
Green eggs, green eggs, they are so good, 
eat them up you really should!

King:  
Green eggs Haman, I do not know.  
They seem to be much more for show.  
Can I eat them with my wine, 
can I eat them when I dine?  
Can I eat them with some pork, 
even when I pop a cork?

Haman:  
You can eat them with your wine, 
you can eat them when you dine.  
You can eat them with some pork, 
even when you pop a cork.  
Green eggs and pork are good most anywhere; 
you do not even need to share.  
At the Saint Patrick's Day parade, 
you can eat them in the shade.  
Under sun or moon or with a loon, 
you can eat them late or soon.  
You can eat them with a spoon, 
you can eat them in May or June.  
You can eat them with your steak, 
or with the bread your cook does bake.  
Green eggs and pork, are so versatile, 
you can eat them all the while.

King:  
Green eggs are good, I am convinced, 
but do I need to have them rinsed?  
No matter that, I appoint you now, 
my new advisor anyhow.  
For green eggs be grand vizier, 
a greater reward was never here.  
Questions more I'll ask you later, 
for now you may be a celebrator.

Narrator:  
And so Haman was quite thrilled, 
more than having someone killed.  
Out of the palace his walk did quicken, 
and so our plot begins to thicken.

Haman:  
Place your noses on the ground, 
there's a new vizier in town.  
You know that's me, or soon shall see.  
No challenge will I ever brook, 
not even from the green egg cook.  
Bow down, bow down, all around, 
to me your obeisance must be given,
or you will wish that you were shriven.

Mordechai:  
To you I will not bow my head, 
not even if you turn bright red.  
But I will sell you some fish, 
if you would like a tasty dish.  
Green eggs and lox would be a treat, 
it would be so good to eat.

Haman:  
Green eggs and pork, that is the dish, 
far better than your smelly fish.  
How now, bow now, I order it, 
or you will find yourself in deep…

Mordechai:  
This is a family show, you must remember, 
even in May and December.  
Bow now, bow now, I will not do, 
even if you're turning blue.  
How now, how now, I will not bow, 
not even to a big brown cow.  
And though it might make you laugh, 
not even to a golden calf.  
As for your green eggs and pork, 
they will not sell in old New York.

Narrator:  
And so Haman was filled with rage, 
for Mordechai his anger did engage.  
But to kill one man was too simple, 
or even to hit his leg and make him limple.  
Upon all the Jews he would vent his wrath, 
until he could not do the math.  
The lot he cast fell upon Adar, 
which was not too close and not too far.  
But before he could fulfill his mission, 
he did seek the king's permission.

Haman:  
Your majesty, there are people in your land, 
who will not play in your band.  
Neither do they obey the law, 
you would not believe what it was I saw.

King:  
Never mind that right now, 
I have a question anyhow.  
I know I can eat green eggs with pork, 
but that makes me feel like quite a dork.  
If I were sitting on some rocks, 
could I eat green eggs with lox?  
Could I eat them with a fox, 
could I eat them when someone knocks?  
Could I eat them on a bagel, 
or while drinking with Socrates and Schlegel?

Haman:  
Do not eat them with some lox, 
do not eat them with a fox!  
Upon a bagel green eggs are bad, 
they will make you very sad.  
But you can eat them while you drink, 
or even in the kitchen sink.  
Socrates and Schlegel, 
they will drink you under the table, 
but you can eat green eggs and pork 
with Mindy, or even with Mork.

King:  
But you did not come to talk of eggs, 
but rather of unwholesome yeggs.  
What is it you come to ask, 
while you still in my approval bask?

Haman:  
Strange people are about the land, 
deliver them, I beg you, into to my hand.

King:  
From India to Ethiopia does Persia rule, 
we have more languages than a law school!  
Strangers there are in all the land, 
you will find them about on every hand.  
Why should I deliver them to you, 
am I the postal service too?

Haman:  
These people are full of flaws, 
they do even make cole slaws.  
If you'd be richer then you'll see, 
If you'll just give them all to me.  
I will pay ten thousand silver, 
just ask my accountant, Dorange Pilver.

King:  
That will get the economy out of its ditch, 
more money coming to the rich!  
So be it, here is my ring, 
with it you can do most anything.  
But come, before I begin to think, 
let us go and have a drink.

Narrator:  
Haman sent out his orders, 
to the landlords and the borders.  
The orders were signed with the ring of the king, 
the ring which could do most anything.  
The king's orders cannot be put asunder, 
not even if he makes a blunder.  
The city of Shushan was perplexed, 
and many more were quite vexed.  
With all the tailors due to die, 
how would the railroad get a tie?  
From all the Jews down in Jewville there arose such a wailing, 
as if a hundred bris-es had an unfortunate failing.  
In our next exciting chapter, 
if your attention remains quite raptor, 
Queen Esther will most certainly get the facts, 
though not at all from a north-going Zax.

Chapter 4 

Narrator
Esther
Mordechai
Hassock

Narrator:  
When Mordechai knew what had been done, 
he knew that it could be no fun.  
His clothes all were torn and rent, 
to his landlord was not sent.  
He wore a sackcloth then, 
and he did not have a pen.  
Alone then he sat in ashes, 
making little dots and dashes, 
because he did not have a horse, 
to Queen Esther he wrote in Morse.  
Esther could not sleep a wink, 
with Mordechai wailing like a kitchen sink, 
that, when it's stoppered with a plug, 
can only make a screeching glug.  
So she sent to him a servant, 
that he might be more conversant.

Esther:  
My uncle moans and screams and cries, 
could he be bothered by horseflies?  
This mystery I must unravel, 
before I stuff my ears with gravel.  
Hassock, to my uncle quickly go, 
hurry, hurry, do not be slow.  
If he continues to weep and wail, 
I may have to stick my head in a pail.  
Because I'm Queen, I won't say bucket, 
even though this rhyme will duck it.

Hassock:  
Mordechai, Mordechai, why do you wail 
so that the queen will stick her head in a pail?  
Your amazing caterwauling, 
it really is quite appalling!  
Soon she'll stuff her ears with gravel, 
or far away she'll seek to travel.

Mordechai:  
I weep and moan and wail
that you might come soon, without fail.  
Esther should not stuff her ears with gravel, 
neither should she seek to travel.  
The king has a new grand vizier, 
you can tell that he was here.  
Now have you heard the awful news, 
that he plans to kill the Jews?  
Haman has paid the king much silver, 
given him by Dorange Pilver, 
that he may come and kill us all, 
he will slay us all by fall.

Hassock:  
Truly this news is not so good, 
tell the queen do you think I should?  
Perhaps if I drink less soda, 
then will I sound less like Yoda.  
I wish this news were somewhat better, 
perhaps about a double-header.  
But I will let Esther hear your words, 
while she eats her whey and curds.

Mordechai:  
Tell the queen to tell the king, 
his ring can do most anything.  
Perhaps if he is somewhat drunker, 
he will forget all about this clunker.

Hassock (to Esther):  
Your majesty, let me give you the word, 
that from Mordechai I have heard.  
Do you know what Haman wants to do?  
He wants to kill each and every Jew.

Esther:  
I heard you speak, and let me say, 
I may not go before the king this day.  
To go before him unannounced, 
is to have your doom pronounced.  
Only the stewards with their wine 
may come before him without a sign.  

Mordechai:  
If Haman's evil plot comes to fruition, 
then you must pay your tuition.  
Your head will fall with all the rest, 
you cannot hide in your nest.  
The king is a drunkard, that's a fact; 
approach him now with guile and tact.  
But if you chose to nothing do, 
no doubt you will perish too.  
Salvation still may yet arise, 
but you will not live to see the prize.

Esther:  
Let us not end the show, 
before the king I will go.  
But first, I must ask a favor, 
albeit one you will not savor.  
Go for three days now and fast, 
and pray that I do not breathe my last.

Narrator:  
That Esther might stand by her man, 
a visit to the king was her plan.  
But would he hold forth his scepter, 
showing that he would accept her?  
You do not need to shout; 
in the next chapter you will find out.  
I tell you now that this is true:  
in the next chapter, Norton hears a Jew.

Chapter 5

Narrator
King
Esther
Mordechai
Haman
Zeresh

Narrator:  
To see the king it now is time, 
perhaps Esther is wearing lime 
or maybe she will be a mime 
and serve to him a rib that's prime.  
This could be lime mime prime time, 
or perhaps she has the sense to bring a dime,
making it lime dime mime prime time, 
which would assuredly be a crime.  
If Esther only had a sister, 
this could quickly become a terrible tongue twister.  
Or it could be very funny, 
if she were the Esther bunny.  
But let us see if he'll accept her, 
will he hold out his golden scepter, 
or if he does not hold out the scepter, 
will the guards come to arrest her?

King:  
Who is that who does come near, 
whose feet are those that I do hear?

Esther:  
I hope that you will spare my life, 
for it is none other than your wife.

King:  
More wives have I than I can count, 
they live in my palace by the fount.  
Because I do not wish to scare 'em, 
I keep them safely in a harem.  
It does give me pleasure without measure 
to reveal that I have this treasure.  
It is my pleasure treasure measure.  
Which wife are you who is about, 
why ever did you dare to come out?  
You would not be little Hester?

Esther:  
No, your majesty, I am Queen Esther.

King:  
Of course it is Queen Esther, 
I like you more than all the rester.  
Indeed you may approach my throne, 
but do not ask me for a loan.  
Half my kingdom can be yours, 
from Ethiopia to the northern shores.  
What is it that brings you out, 
why do you roam and walk about?

Esther:  
I have something for you to savor, 
if I have in your eyes found favor.  
Your majesty, please let us dine; 
you, me, Haman, and a lot of wine.  
There will be wine that is blue and wine that is red, 
enough to fill even your royal head.  
There will be drinks that we all will drink, 
and some of these drinks might even be pink.  
Yes a pink drink we will drink, 
although never from the kitchen sink, 
and when we truly all have drinked,
then truly we'll all feel really quite kinked.

King:  
Esther I will attend your party, 
by the end I'll be quite dotty.  
What better a thing could there be to do, 
than to drink pink wines with Haman and you?  
But what sort of wines can we find that are pink?  
Could it be a white zinfandel, I'll ask with a wink?

Esther:  
Zin is red, zin is red, 
please try to keep that in your head.  
To serve a zinfandel that is white, 
would be a most horrific fright.  
Zin is red, zin is red, 
remember that when you go to bed, 
and in the morning when you wake, 
remember it upon the lake.  
Remember it when you bake a cake, 
remember it for good old Jake.  
Champagnes we can find that are pink, 
there will be plenty there to drink.

King:  
I will remember it when I bake a cake, 
I will remember it for good old Jake.  
Remind me again about old Jake, 
wasn't he the palace snake?

Esther:  
No that was another man, 
and indeed, here comes Haman.  
Your majesty, I must prepare the party, 
so I beg your leave to depart-y.

King:  
Haman, I have news to make your day, 
for which you will not even have to pay.  
Tonight we shall attend a party, 
for which Queen Esther did just depart-y.  
But before we both do go, 
there is something I must know.  
It is a thing so very small, 
it is not so very tall at all.  
I cannot eat green eggs and pork, 
lest I turn Swedish and go "bork bork."  
What do think of green eggs and knish, 
isn't that a tasty dish?  
I could eat them on a boat, 
I could eat them with a stoat.  
Or perhaps I could eat them with a goat, 
while we play croquet by the moat.  
Or if you do not like knish, 
what would you think of some nice smoked fish?  
Now there's a thought, green eggs and herring too, 
it would most certainly lead to derring-do.

Haman:  
Why would your majesty want to do derring, 
even to do it with a herring?  
Do not eat green eggs and knish, 
not even with some salty fish.  
Though I might go from bad to verse, 
I can imagine nothing worse.  
Green eggs and lox 
will tear your socks, 
and if you eat green eggs and knish, 
you will turn into a gish.  
If green eggs and pork are not to your taste, 
that is certainly an awful waste.  
But take it from my dear old Gram, 
you still can try green eggs and spam.

King:  
Green eggs and spam?  
I do not like green eggs and spam, 
I do not think I like them, 
my grand vizier, Haman.

Haman:  
Spam, spam, spam, spam, wonderful spam.  
I'm sure you'll like green eggs and spam.  
You could eat them on a boat, 
you could eat them with a goat.  
You could eat them in the moat, 
you could eat them with a groat.  
You could eat them on a boat 
in your groat goat moat, 
and if upon the goat you dote, 
then it could be your dote groat goat moat.  
And if in your moat you have a stoat, 
then you would have a boat on a dote groat goat moat stoat!  
And if there is not a snag, 
that stoat could have a small bag.  
Then you would have a boat dote groat goat moat stoat tote!

King:  
Haman do you have a sister?  
Is this a terrible tongue twister?  
If it is, I'm glad I missed her, 
I do not think I would have kissed her.  
But Queen Esther is pouring wine, 
so let us go off to dine.  
By my order so mote it be, 
let us go now to the queen's party.

Haman:  
Your majesty has made me realize, 
that even a goat has two eyes.  
And if in those eyes there was a mote, 
then you would have a boat dote groat mote goat moat stoat tote.  
But I see your majesty is not a grinner, 
so I'll shut up and we'll go to dinner.

Narrator:  
Had Haman spoken a moment longer, 
perhaps his tongue would have gotten stronger, 
or who knows, if he talked a lot, 
it would have tied itself into a knot.  
But Haman and the King went to Esther's room, 
and did some weaving, but not on a loom.  
The party went far into the night, 
the pink wine was quite a sight.

King:  
Esther, Esther, my Queen Esther, 
there is no one I like bester.  
Half my kingdom can be yours, 
from Ethiopia to the northern shores.  
This is a night I'll always savor; 
in my eyes have you found favor, 
although if I continue to dance around, 
I might then say favor found.  
Though if my favor does not waver, 
then you'll be a favor saver.  
When you came unto my throne, 
you did not cry or even moan, 
thus I granted you a waiver, 
so my favor will not waver 
for a waiver favor saver.  
Before my tongue gets tangled royally, 
I think that I shall eat this doily.  
Tell me what it is you ask 
while you still in my favor bask.

Esther:  
Your majesty, I will smile and raise a dimple, 
for my request is rather simple.  
I know that you did eat so hearty, 
but tomorrow come to another party.  
More fine wine will I serve, 
such as you and Haman do deserve.  
Then I will tell you what I wish, 
after you have had a tasty dish.

King:  
Another day, another party, 
I do so love to get dotty.  
If it should go 'til after four, 
I do not know if I will find the door 
or stick around and drink some more.  
Tomorrow then we'll come to your rooms, 
but we'll leave our horses with the grooms.

Narrator:  
So Haman left to go to his home, 
which rhymes with Alaska, or at least with Nome.  
But when he walked out through the gate, 
he was not the only one out late.

Mordechai:  
Good evening Mister Haman, 
would you like some lovely salmon?  
Can I offer you some fish, 
or perhaps green eggs with a knish?

Haman:  
The seller of lox and knishy, 
I should have known there was something fishy.
You did sell the king his fishes, 
and suggest to him outrageous dishes.  
It is you, I should have guessed, 
you'll not much longer be a pest.

Mordechai:  
I do not like my wares to crow, 
can I offer you some roe?

Haman:  
Why did you do it, why, why why?  
Tell me now or else you'll die!

Mordechai:  
My reasons may not make the cut, 
but I did it for the halibut.

Haman:  
You think you are so very daring,
to give to the king a pile of herring!  
You are nothing but a clod, 
when I'm done you will be scrod.

Mordechai:  
Your threats I have not yet truly felt, 
in fact I would say they really smelt.  
You may think that I'm a goona, 
but it's your screeching that's out of tuna, 
and if in fact you were a croona, 
you would be an out of tuna goona croona!

Haman:  
Oh no, you will not get my tongue to twist, 
you took your shot but it missed.  
Now I will go back to my home, 
which still rhymes with Alaska, or at least with Nome.

Narrator:  
And so Haman went to his home, 
although he did not have far to roam.  
There Zeresh his wife awaited, 
yes, there she awaited with breath that was bated.

Haman:  
The king does honor and hold me in high esteem, 
yet to see Mordechai's death is all I dream.  
The king will not eat my green eggs and spam, 
he says he does not like them at all, Haman, 
while Mordechai, that wily fox, 
gives to the king green eggs and lox!

Zeresh:  
Your problem has a simple solution 
needing no great revolution.  
Fifty cubits build a gallows high, 
that Mordechai may hang and die.  
It is such a simple mission; 
no doubt the king will give permission.  
The king loves you, this I know, 
because, Haman, you tell me so.  
Then with the king and Esther you will dine, 
and everything will be oh so fine.  
But now it is time to rest your head, 
time it is to go to bed.

Narrator:  
The number of sleepers is steadily growing, 
bed is where more and more people are going.  
But the king cannot sleep, no not a wink, 
from drinking too much champagne that is pink.  
So in our chapter next the royal schnook, 
will spend all night reading from the royal record book.

Chapter 6

Narrator
King
Ben
Haman
Zeresh

Narrator:  
The king could not sleep, no not a wink, 
from drinking too much champagne that is pink.  
And so through the castle he did walk, 
looking for someone with whom he could talk.  
A king walking alone at night 
really is quite a sight, 
especially if you are liable to fright 
or when you have already put out the light.  
Yes, he walked up and down, 
he walked all around, 
and with all of his walkings 
he wore holes in his stockings.  
The record book he left until midnight of course, 
when else would you read a book the size of a horse?

King:  
Bring forth my servants, bring forth my wise men, 
or at least bring me my reader named good ol' Eyes Ben.  
I cannot sleep, no, not a wink, 
and this time I don't even feel like a drink.  
Can you believe it, it's not a line, 
this time I really don't want any wine.  
My tummy is bloated 
and my brain feels all stoated.  
Haman can twist his tongue in a knot, 
but my tongue is far too slow for all thot.

Ben:  
What, your majesty cannot sleep?  
You won't wake up in trouble deep.  
Perhaps you should sit at a table 
and eat green eggs with whitefish, or maybe sable.

King:  
My face I do not need to feed, 
I have eaten all I need.  
My stomach is already three sizes too large, 
any bigger and it will need a garage.  
Come on, Ben, and help me sleep, 
lest all night 'round the palace I creep.  
Then I'll be grumpy, 
all frumpy and dumpy, 
and a king who is dumpy, frumpy, and grumpy 
will assuredly make your head all lumpy.

Ben:  
If you are Grumpy then you're not very Happy, 
perhaps Doc can help if you're feeling too crappy.  
If you get mopey, 
you might start to feel Dopey, 
which is good if you're wheezy 
or start to be Sneezy.  
You'll never be Bashful 
so long as you're cash-full, 
but you want to feel Sleepy… 
which I think is quite creepy. 
Perhaps your majesty should visit the wharves, 
before you turn into any more dwarves.  

King:  
Ah, to sleep, and perchance to dream.  
Perhaps a ride in my new trireme?  
But I am being such a schnook, 
let us read from the royal record book.

Narrator:  
For hour after hour the king did read, 
which is far better than letting him breed.  
Well, truthfully, the king did not read but only did listen, 
while Ben read the book 'til his eyes did glisten.  
But do remember to have no fear, 
it does not take a seer, 
to read about the king's beer bier.

Ben:  
And here it is written of the great beer bash, 
with the evil Bigthan and Terash, 
and how Mordechai their party did crash.  
Mordechai the king's life did save, 
and he did not even get a shave.

King:  
Mordechai who sells the fishes?  
I do so like his knishes.  
We should give to him a prize; 
it will be a great surprise.  
It would be so very sordid 
if he were to go quite unrewarded.  
But now I have been up all night, 
and worked up quite an appetite.

Ben:  
Haman is in the outer court, 
shall I him to you escort?

King:  
How to reward Mordechai, that is the question.  
Perhaps Haman will have a suggestion.  
Fetch him, fetch him, bring him in, 
then let breakfast for us both begin.

Haman:  
In the words of my great aunt Hortense, 
I must speak on matters of social importance.

King: 
Come and eat with your skipper, 
would you like green eggs and kipper?  
If you are feeling able, 
you can have green eggs and sable.  
Or if you would like, 
we could have green eggs and pike.  
And if those choices are not enough, 
it doesn't have to be too rough: 
my new palace cook Miltah 
could make green eggs with gefilte.

Haman:  
If you would avoid the doc's exam, 
you should eat green eggs and spam, 
try a little, just a gram.  
It will not give you gout,
But that is not what I came to talk about.

King:  
Right now I have a question, 
and I'm in need of your suggestion.  
There is a man I have ignored, 
but now I would give him a reward.  
Pray tell me true, 
what should I do?

Narrator:  
The king's tummy may be three sizes too large, 
but Haman's ego needs a small barge.  
Other than Haman, whom would the king honor?  
Haman guessed wrong, and will soon be a goner.

Haman:  
Your majesty, I have a suggestion
that surely will answer your royal question.  
Let him be taken through the town 
wearing fine clothes and a crown
that belonged to yourself the king, 
not just any old chintzy thing.  
It would be a tour de force 
if he could ride the king's own horse.  
And in front of the horse there should mince, 
none other than a noble prince!  
Let him yell and shout it out, 
just what this show is all about.

King:  
Your wisdom spouts like a geyser, 
I'm glad that you are my advisor.  
Of all that you have said, let it be done, 
Mordechai is the lucky one.  
But I would not like you to be bored, 
You, too, deserve a fitting reward.  
Of this idea you were the source, 
so you may go and hold the horse.

Narrator:  
Although Haman stood at the horse's head, 
more like the other end he felt instead.  
Mordechai through Shushan did nobly ride, 
led by his unhappy guide.  
And when at last it was all over, 
Haman no longer danced in clover.  
When he returned unto his door, 
his ego was bruised and his feet were sore.

Zeresh:  
You look like a horse upon you stood, 
I take it your day was not very good?  
Your face is all gray and covered with dirt, 
your pants are quite muddy, you've unbuttoned your shirt.  
Your shoes are all torn and covered in muck, 
you look like you were mauled by a duck.

Haman:  
In front of a horse I did go, 
it was a terrible tale of whoa!  
About the gallows I did not even ask, 
for the king assigned to me a task.  
It really was quite sordid, 
how Mordechai was rewarded!  
The king does not like green eggs and spam, 
not even so much as a dram.

Zeresh:  
A king travels on his tummy, 
whomever fills it he'll find chummy, 
even if he is a dummy.  
It is a chummy dummy tummy.  
I can think of nothing stranger, 
but if the king likes Mordechai, you are in danger.  
If he likes smoked fish, perhaps you'll die, 
unless the king should swallow a fly.

Haman:  
There must be a trick I can finagle, 
the king must not eat green eggs on a bagel!

Narrator:  
For Esther's party it now is time, 
to miss it would surely be a crime.  
The guards escort Haman to the palace, 
lest he get lost and land in Dallas.  
In our next chapter there is action and screams, 
at the end we will see the gallow my dreams.

Chapter 7

Narrator
King
Haman
Esther
Alfredo MacPherson McBean

Narrator:  
The King and Haman came to dine, 
at Esther's party, with lots of wine.  
With dishes of fishes and meats that were rare, 
Esther did serve the king with great care.  
With fine wines and rich foods, it was quite the royal feast, 
Esther even fed to the king the roast beast.  
Though it seems incredible, they say, 
the king's tummy grew three sizes that day.

King:  
This meal is fine, 
I walked the line.  
There is something quite auspicious 
about a dinner so delicious!  
But in my chicken soup something floats, 
could it be a bunch of little boats 
or tiny men wearing strange coats?

Esther:  
Your soup has no boats, 
nor divers with coats.  
I'll give you the scoop, 
there are matzoh balls in your soup.

King:  
A matzoh ball seems hardly credible.  
Is the rest of the matzoh also edible?

Esther:  
A matzoh is not a beast, 
only some bread that's missing some yeast.

King:  
Haman you've been very quiet, 
have you suddenly gone on a diet?  
After walking all day on the royal course, 
you must be hungry enough to eat a small horse.

Haman:  
My day has been so very long, 
and the smell of the horse was so very strong.  
After walking, and talking, and shouting with force, 
my throat I find to be a tiny bit hoarse.  
Pardon me if I do sit here and drink, 
while the thoughts in my head continue to think.  
I will just sit here and drink the wine that you pour, 
and nurse my poor feet that are terribly sore.

King:  
My lovely, dear, and sweet Queen Esther, 
whom I like bester than all the rester, 
half my kingdom will be yours, 
from India to the western shores.  
Can I give your spirits a lift, 
and award to you some gift?

Esther:  
There is but one gift you can give to your wife:  
if your majesty pleases, please spare my life.  
My life and those of uncle, friends, and cousins, 
for we all are to be slain by the dozens.  
We are to be slain by an importunate knave.
I cannot serve you pink champagne from the grave.

King:  
What is the name of this murderous swine? 
I'll teach him to interfere with my wine.  
And who are these people this man wants to kill, 
he will soon find he will fail in his drill.

Esther:  
I am not trying to pay any dues, 
I do not want to be singing the blues, 
but this evil man would kill all the Jews!

King:  
How dare he think to slay my wife, 
and Mordechai who saved my life!  
And Miltah who cooks, 
and Ben who reads books, 
my most amazing tailor named Mort 
and Shmuel, my lawyer, king of the tort.  
Tell me now, and tell me true, 
who is this villain who would slay every Jew?

Esther:  
The villain, I fear, is right here in this room:  
it is Haman who so cruelly pronounces our doom.

King:  
What!  Haman is an evil villain, 
no wonder I never saw him lay tefillin.  
Haman, have you any words to say, 
or perhaps you should go off and pray.

Haman:  
Your majesty there has been a grave error, 
I did not intend to cause any terror.  
My orders did not order the Jews to be killed, 
but rather that they should be excited and thrilled.  
I would not harm your wife, 
nor Mordechai who saved your royal life.  
Why, not to give you too many shocks, 
but I even like to eat yummy green eggs and lox!

King:  
Did not your orders say
to kill them on a certain day?  
Signed by your hand, but sealed with my ring, 
the ring which can do most anything?  

Haman:  
How could it say kill 
when I clearly meant thrill?  
If my scribe made a mistake, 
his life I will take.  
I am sorry indeed if there's been a small blunder, 
when writing the orders we cannot break asunder.

Narrator:  
The king was quite angry, and he was all confused, 
he stood there and thought, with his brain feeling all bruised.
Then he stormed from the room 
without calling a groom, 
and went to walk in the garden, 
but slowly, because he had so much lard on.

Haman:  
Esther, please believe my story, 
I do not want things to be gory.  
It was not to be a gory story.  
You will not need to sing the blues 
because of the deaths of all the Jews.  
You won't have to pay the dues, 
nor will you even have to choose.  
There won't be any gory story dues blues Jews.  
And if you took a cruise, 
and bought some new shoes, 
you would have shoes cruise dues blues Jews.  
And if the Jews had a bruise, 
you could have new shoes cruise dues blues Jews bruise.  
And if the Jews with a bruise brought with them their muse, 
you could have new shoes cruise dues blues Jews bruise muse.

Esther:  
Haman, I do not have a sister, 
you will not confuse me with your terrible tongue twister.

Haman (threatening):  
This is but the lowest rung, 
I have not even begun to twist your tongue!

Narrator:  
Haman will soon get quite a scare, 
he does not see the king standing there.  
Back already from his walk, 
the king was in time to hear them talk.

King:  
I may be a bit of a souse, 
possibly even a drunken louse, 
but how dare he twist the Queen's tongue in my house?  
A whale omelet may be thinner than my head, 
but I do not wish to see my lovely wife dead.  
An advisor is not a like an incisor, 
when one makes you sore 
there are always two more.  
How can I get rid of this goof, 
what I need now is some proof.

Narrator:  
As Haman began his innocence to cry, 
who should walk in but a very strange guy.

Alfredo MacPherson McBean:  
I am Alfredo MacPherson McBean, 
and I have built a wondrous machine.  
With ropes and trapdoors 
for falling through floors, 
a noose that is tight 
and at a great height, 
supports that are strong 
and beams that are long, 
you can roast marshmallows 
before your new gallows.

Esther:  
Why did you a gallows build?
With whose head is the noose to be filled?

Haman:  
His machine has no nooses, 
I ordered a home for some gooses.

Narrator:  
Then Alfredo MacPherson McBean made a small little tut, 
as he walked cross the room with a MacPherson strut.

Alfredo MacPherson McBean:  
There is no room for a goose 
in my very fine noose, 
the man who is to die 
is the Jew named Mordechai.  
Haman gave the order, 
so that Mordechai he could morder.  
It would really make my day, 
if I could collect my pay.

King:  
No more do you need say, 
it is clearly Haman who will pay.  
Let us go roast some marshmallows 
as we hang Haman on his gallows.

Narrator:  
By the king's order, Haman was hanged high, 
twisting and turning up there in the sky.  
Then Alfredo MacPherson McBean 
built yet another wondrous machine.  
And as Haman swung there alone and forlorn, 
the machine of McBean served buttered popcorn.  
But do not get up from the edge of your seat, 
Haman's mischief they still must defeat.

Chapter 8

Narrator
King
Esther
Mordechai
Alfredo MacPherson McBean

Narrator:  
Orders written and sealed with the king's ring, 
the ring that can do most anything, 
are then written as though cast in stone, 
they cannot be changed even by the man on the throne.  
This presented a problem most grave, 
if the Jews they were to save.

King:  
Haman turned out to be a louse, 
let me give to you his house.  
And if you think it would be grand, 
you can even take his land.

Esther:  
Your majesty is so very kind, 
but there is one thing you must mind.  
Haman's orders do still stand, 
Somehow we must those orders remand.

King:  
That is a problem, that is true, 
but I know just what to do.  
Mordechai, you may take my ring, 
the ring that can do most anything.  
Grand Vizier I appoint you now, 
I'm sure you'll handle the problem somehow.  
I am such a successful king 
because I delegate 'most everything.

Mordechai:  
Can we not just simply say, 
those last orders we need not obey?

King:  
Alas, that we cannot do, 
lest we mire our legal system in glue.  
The orders written with my ring, 
the ring that can do most anything, 
cannot be changed, even by the king.

Narrator:  
And then what should they hear but that strange little tut, 
and who should walk in with that MacPherson strut?

Alfredo McBean:  
I can see from your faces that you all are unhappy, 
but do not forget, I'm a fix-it-up chappie.  
Don't forget that I am Alfredo McBean, 
and I can make you a wondrous machine.  
My machine all your problems will solve, 
just watch carefully, and see them dissolve.  
The problem, really quite simple and true, 
Is that it's nearly impossible to hide a Jew.  
There on your face, above your lip, 
stands proudly a nose like the prow of a ship.  
It's hard to be hidden when you have such a beak, 
with a nose twice the size of a Japanese leek, 
you can even be found by a man whose eyesight is weak.

Esther:  
And what is the point of your wondrous machine, 
will it somehow prevent us from being seen?

Alfredo MacPherson McBean:  
Don't be silly, even my machine
could not keep you from being seen.  
But as for noses, it is but a small matter 
to make them either thinner or fatter, 
longer or shorter 
or cut by a quarter.  
I, Alfredo MacPherson McBean, 
will build you a wonderful nose-fixing machine!

Mordechai:  
Your offer certainly is very kind, 
and I assuredly hope that you won't mind, 
when I explain then to you 
that this something we surely won't do.  
There is more to a Jew than his nose, 
no matter how large and unwieldy it grows.  
Let me give you a tip, 
it comes down to a snip, 
and I don't mean the end off a rose.

Alfredo MacPherson McBean:  
I simply cannot envision, 
how you could make such a decision.  
Clearly my work here is done, 
I hope you have fun.  

Narrator:  
Then with a tut, 
and a MacPherson strut, 
Alfredo MacPherson McBean 
departed, nevermore to be seen.

Esther:  
As the orders stand now all the Jews will be smitten, 
but what could we do if new orders were written?

Mordechai:  
With such a brilliant idea, 
who needs the prince of Medea? 
New orders will I write, 
giving all Jews the right to fight!  
And I will seal those orders with the king's ring, 
the ring that can do most anything.

Esther:  
We will write the orders every which way, 
so that the people know what we say.  
We will write them in Farsi, 
but not with some parsley, 
we will write them in Aegean
and Indo-European.  
We will write them in Hebrew and Yiddish, 
and perhaps even in Old Glenfiddich.  
We will surely not fergit 
to write them down in High Sanskrit.

King:  
If it should be to your liking, 
you can even write them in Viking.

Mordechai:  
I believe that would be Norse.
Perhaps we should write them also in Morse?

Esther:  
Then we'll send out the orders by horse and by camel, 
and by every other available hoofed mammal.  
We'll send them by rider and strider and runner, 
and even by walker and talker and punner.  
Each state that is Persian 
will receive its own version; 
each Jew in the land 
will know where they stand.

Narrator:  
Because the Jews had never kneeled, 
they were all out standing in their field 
when the orders came out to their farms, 
commanding them to take up arms.  
In our next chapter the story's not done, 
but dramatic battles will be won.  
Haman's sons end up hanging around, 
when perhaps they should have hid underground.

Chapter 9

Narrator
King
Mordechai
Esther

Narrator:  
And so Haman's plot to foil, 
there began a battle royal.  
Many there were who took the cues, 
and decided it was time to become Jews.  
And so before the battle royal, 
there was plenty of work for the mohel.  
He did not snip the tip of a nose, 
nor did he nip off the end of a rose.  
He just made a small incision, 
and caused a great deal of indecision.  
As for those who chose to fight, 
it really was quite a sight.

King:  
Do you realize that outside there is a riot?  
How did you ever convince me to try it?  
If many more people should get the axe, 
who will be left in the kingdom to tax?

Mordechai:  
Your highness should have no fear, 
neither should you shed a tear.  
Although there is fighting in the town, 
the spoils all revert to the crown.  

King:  
Do you realize this potent mania, 
has made an enormous mess of Potamia?  
In Shushan they've already killed lots; 
many more are dropping in the province of Plotz.  
And I don't want to pick any nits, 
but the action is quite hot in the city of Schvitz.

Esther:  
Don't worry, king, this is only day one, 
another day and it will all be done.  
Just listen to some music play, 
relax and enjoy your day.

King:  
Another day of all this violence, 
we should stop the trombones and halt the violins.  
While I don't want to be complainin'
have you heard about the ten sons of Haman?

Esther:  
I hear that Parshandata, 
was found in the teapot of a hatter.  
As for number two son Dalfon, 
I hear he choked on a plate of chow fun.  
Poor old number three Porata 
should have stopped to check his data.  
While trying too rapidly to flee, 
he turned and ran into a tree.  
I understand that young Adalia 
drowned while swimming to Italia.  

Mordechai:  
And as for his brother Aridata, 
he drowned in a tub of cake batter.  
We also must not forget Parmashta, 
who ended up a little smashta.  
As for silly Arisai, 
he was crushed and smothered by a pie.  
The very clever Aridai, 
tried to disguise himself with red dye.  
From a window fell Vaizata, 
now he is a whole lot flatter.

King:  
With their bodies what should I do, 
let the mob to turn them into goo?

Mordechai:  
Go and hang them on the gallows, 
as you enjoy your roasted marshmallows.

Narrator:  
As the king ordered, it was done.  
The ten sons were hanged, every one.

Mordechai:  
The tale of Haman we must remember, 
from January through December.  
This story must still be told, 
when we have all died and gone to mold.

Esther:  
Then let us have no mummery, 
we shall write a summary!

Narrator:  
And so Mordechai and Esther wrote the story, 
so that it could grow old and hoary, 
of this tale that did take place, 
and the enemy they had to face.  
They did not tell how the king was hash-ty, 
and cut off the head of his wife Vashti, 
but she is in the story anyway, 
she simply will not go away.  
They wrote how Haman cast a lot,
To set in motion his evil plot.
But Mordechai did to Queen Esther say, 
we have a problem we must solve by yesterday.  
Then Esther did invite the king to dine, 
with her and Haman and a lot of wine.  
Esther begs the king to spare her life, 
because, after all, she is his wife.  
She asks as well for every Jew, 
she wants the king to spare them too.  
The king learns that Haman is the villain, 
who seeks to do all the killin'. 
Upon his own gallows was Haman hanged high, 
while the king enjoyed some apple pie.  
Mordechai became the new advisor, 
because he was so very much wiser.  
New orders were then carefully written, 
so the Jews would not be smitten.  
The Jews now had the legal right, 
to stand against their foes and fight.  
So it was written and recorded, 
copies were spread, they were not hoarded.  
The fourteenth of Adar was the day, 
that Haman sought all the Jews to slay.  
But his evil plot was turned on its head, 
and he it was who ended dead.  
There was a big fight, 
Lasting two days and a night.  
In the last chapter there is but a little more, 
it will be short and not a bore.

Chapter 10

Narrator
Mordechai
Esther
King

King:  
Although my name is Ahaseurus, 
such a name may well ensnare us.  
If my name you'd like to shorten, 
you may address me as Emperor Norton.

Mordechai:  
Your majesty it is a pleasure, 
indeed a pleasure without measure.  
Although Mordechai my name is given, 
Ralph you may call me if you're driven.  
And now begins so very soon, 
of your reign, the honeymoon.  
Er, that is merely to say, 
I hope to brighten up your day.  
Did you and Esther ever get away, 
to Niagara falls or Paraguay?

Esther:  
No we did not get away, 
Norton had a busy day.  
Come, let us go, let us go, let us go, 
to Manhattan or perhaps to Soho.  
My uncle will run all the lands, 
you may leave them in his hands.

Narrator:  
Shushan became a mighty state, 
the capital of an Empire great.  
So Emperor Norton and his Ralph
played together rounds of galf.  
Famous through the land they were, 
because Haman had cast his Pur, 
which is pronounced differently by a purist, 
or even by a learned jurist.  
And when they sat down to dine, 
then they ate green eggs with wine.  
And though they ate green eggs and lox, 
they did not eat them with a fox.  
While they ate them on a boat, 
they did not eat them with a goat, 
though they ate them by the moat, 
they did not eat them with a dote groat mote goat moat stoat tote.  
And though they went to visit Sam, 
they never ate green eggs and spam.