Mail.Jewish Mailing List Volume 35 Number 97 Produced: Sun Feb 24 14:08:25 US/Eastern 2002 Subjects Discussed In This Issue: Purim Edition [Sam Saal] ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Alcoholism and the Shabbos Kiddush A Halachic compendium on the Subject Beryl Ostroff - Editor When and where did our distinguished ancestors begin the universal custom of elevating themselves to a "HIGHER" level using the means of alcoholic beverage on, during or around the Shabbos Kiddush? The answer has bewildered some of the greatest minds for centuries, evading the depths of their infinite psyche. But now we are able to look back on the effects that "BOOZE" has had on Jewish history at large and come to our own conclusions as crazy as they might seem. The Mashkidika Rebbe brings proof from the story of Noach who after spending a full year cooped up with his nagging wife, smelly animals and leaky roof had no reprieve but to get smashed out of his mind after his ordeal, wouldn't you? What connection does this story have with Shabbos you may ask? Because the verse says that the ark "RESTED" on the Mountain of Ararat a perfect altitude and climate for fine vintage. Later in history we find a multitude of references to drinking as such, and we must ask ourselves did the "L'Chaim" change the course of History as we know it? Let's look at some more examples. Now we all know that while the Jewish Nation was enslaved in Egypt, the Kennedian Tribe from the Continent of Wales was constantly bootlegging their way into Egypt exposing our pure and holy ancestors to Glenfiddich and other high content drink, making us weak and frail. And of course Pharo was the biggest alcoholic of them all! Why do you think the plagues never bothered him? Because he was too stoned to notice! And anything he did see wouldn't have phased his numb brain anyway. "Four Cups? And I'm not invited?" he would say to himself. No wonder he chased after the Jews like a nut, ending with his drowning in the "RED" Sea, a familiar color on the wine circuit, and of course that day was Shabbos! We find a reference to this subject later in History with the story of King David and Batsheva, whose husband just happened to own a large vineyard. Love, lust desire, passion, envy - POPPYCOCK! It was the BOOZE! Very few people know that Batsheva's husband's vineyard had 14 different varieties of grapes, including a French Colombard! Something to kill for! Nebuchadnezzar, Titus, Haman, Balak, Bilam, Eisav, Lavan, Achashveirosh, Napoleon - All hard-core alcoholics and we can readily see the effect they have had on Judaism at large. Now that we have some historic background on the subject we should look at the practical angle of how to, and how not to drink at the Shabbos Kiddush. If you divide your body weight by the amount of knishes you would regularly engulf during a Kiddush, and multiply that number by 2.3567478 - you should come out to an acceptable amount of shots you can consume in a fifteen minute period, depending on whether it is Southern Bootlegger XXX Bourbon, or Scottish right to the Brainstem Rye. This calculation should put you in a pleasant frame of mind by the time you get home to your suddah, if you can still walk, and guarantees both you, your family and guests a talkative and lively meal. Helpful Advice to do At the Kiddush: 1. Don't hover around the bottle of Jack Daniel's like a vulture. 2. Try to pretend that you are eating some of the food on your dish. 3. Use a shot glass, not the 12 ounce desert cup you just finished. 4. Stand at least 2 feet away from anyone you are speaking to. 5. Stand at least 3 feet away from you wife, guests, or Rabbi. 6. Try not to act like something your own mother would disown. We hope that this vital information will help to increase your joy and pleasure during all Shabbos Kiddushes. Have a Freilachin PURIM!!!!