1. Two vultures board an airplane; each is carrying two dead
   raccoons. The stewardess looks at them and says, 
   "I'm sorry, gentlemen, only one carrion allowed per passenger."

2. Two boll weevils grew up in the deep South. One went to
   Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind 
   in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, 
   naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.

3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a
   fire in the craft, it sank, proving once again that you can't have 
   your kayak and heat it, too.

4. A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. 
   He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man 
   who shot my paw."

5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a
   root canal? He wanted to transcend dental medication.

6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were
   standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. 
   After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked 
   them to disperse.
   "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because, "he said, 
   "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

7. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them
   goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes 
   to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." 
   Year's later; Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. 
   Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes 
   she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds,
   "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

8. These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they
   opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked 
   to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought 
   the competition was unfair.
   He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not.
   He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him.
   So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most
   vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the 
   friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't 
   close up shop.
   Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that Hugh, and only Hugh,
   can prevent florist friars.

9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time,
   which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also
   ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, 
   he suffered from bad breath. This made him.... what? 
   (Oh man, this is so bad, it's good). 
   A super callused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

10. And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns
    to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make
    them laugh. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

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1. A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two-tired.

2. What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway). 

3. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana. 

4. A backwards poet writes inverse. 

5. In democracy it's your vote that counts. 
In feudalism it's your count that votes. 

6. She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off. 

7.If you don't pay your exorcist you get repossessed. 

8. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress. 

9. Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll
show you A-flat minor. 

10. When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds. 

11. The man who fell into an upholstery machine is
fully recovered. 

12. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would
result in Linoleum Blownapart. 

13. You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it. 

14. He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key. 

15. Every calendar's days are numbered. 

16. A lot of money is tainted. It taint yours and it taint mine. 

17. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat. 

18. He had a photographic memory that was never developed. 

19. A plateau is a high form of flattery. 

20. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison
was a small medium at large. 

21. Those who get too big for their britches will be
exposed in the end. 

22. Once you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall. 

23. Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine. 

24. When an actress saw her first strands of gray
hair she thought she'd dye. 

25. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis. 

26. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses. 

27. Acupuncture is a jab well done. 

28. Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the
agony of defeat.