The Dysfunctional Family Seder Survival Guide

by: Rabbi Burt Schuman

Don't let the idiosyncrasies of family ruin the Pesach Seder meal. 
Burt Schuman pokes fun at family while educating about this rich 
tradition.

Pesach is a time for gathering together around the Seder table and 
reliving God's liberation of our people from Egyptian bondage with 
"signs and wonders".

Unfortunately, this ritual does not free us from enslavement to our 
extended family and the bondage one feels to their obligatory 
annual presence. The "signs" of this togetherness include elevated 
blood pressure, shattered nerves, a churning sensation in the pit of 
your stomach, and a quick consult with your rabbi as to whether 
Valium and Buspar are Kosher for Passover. The "wonder" is 
whether anyone will be on speaking terms at the conclusion of 
this glorious and venerable Jewish ritual, at least until "Next year at 
your mother's house."

The following is a list of suggested strategies for dealing with the 
challenges your family might pose and extracting some sense 
of kavannah (intention, direction) from the Seder experience:

1. Aunt Minerva; Seeker of Attention and Child Spoiler Par Excellence:

Although well into her eighties, Aunt Minerva continues to dress like 
Eva Peron. Childless herself, she gets her jollies out of spoiling all 
the children at the seder and riling them up to the point where 
the "children's table" resembles a scene from "Lord of the Flies." 
When her brother gently asks her to stop this, she warmly and 
affectionately replies, "Shut up! I'm still older than you are!"

Strategy: Move her to the children's table and ask her to lead all 
the children in "Dayenu". and "Chad Gadya". Assure her that your 
accountant knows Andrew Lloyd Webber personally, and that 
if she finds the Afikomen, he'll prevail on him to write "Minerva: 
the Musical" with your aunt in the starring role.

2. Cousin Phil; Thirty Five and Unmarried:

As punishment for having failed to produce a wife and the obligatory 
grandchildren, Phil's parents continue to relegate him to the 
"children's table" and make him recite the four questions exactly 
as he has done for the last twenty-five years. This precipitates an 
hour-long psychodrama worthy of the "Jerry Springer Show", 
assuring that the matzah kugel will be burned to a crisp, 
the charoset will start to ferment, the boiled eggs will discolor and 
a curious brown layer of something will descend upon the gefilte fish.

Strategy: Hire an incredibly ravishing Israeli woman to play the 
role of Phil's date, resulting in an immediate elevation of your 
cousin's status and promotion to reciting "Avadim Hayinu" 
(We were slaves). If this fails, invite two members of the American 
Arbitration Association to sit between Phil and his parents.

3. Great Uncle Moyshe; "The Religious One":

From the moment your mother lights the candles, Great Uncle 
Moyshe starts complaining that this is a "goyishe, treyf" seder, 
that the Baskin Haggadah your family has been using for the 
last twenty years is a "charpe un a shande" (a disgrace) and 
that nothing else compares to the Maxwell House version, which 
suddenly materializes from under his jacket. For the remainder 
of the evening, Moyshe tries to drown out the rest of the family 
with an endless obbligato of davening "Ashkebonics" forcing 
everyone else to shout at the top of their lungs and eventually 
start serving the meal while Moyshe continues to daven.

Strategy: Convince two of your best friends to dress up as 
Lubavitcher Chassidim and spirit Great Uncle Moyshe away 
to 770 Eastern Parkway in Brooklyn, where he will soon 
discover that people there consider his seder to be "goyishe" 
AND "treyf".

4. Niece Myra; the Collegiate Vegetarian:

A self-confessed Vegan, Myra can only contain her militancy 
through the karpas (greens) ritual. The moment the company 
recites "this is the bread of affliction". Myra begins her harangue 
about "How can you talk about affliction while you eat the flesh 
of exploited animals who spent their entire lives in a feed lot, 
etc. etc. etc!" This will soon be followed by, "You drink wine 
processed through labor of oppressed Mexican braceros, 
a wine filled with chemicals and preservatives, and you dare 
to talk about the ten plagues?" In spite of Grandma's attempts 
to "make nice" she continues her diatribe, which reaches its 
height when your father points to the shankbone.

Strategy: Present her with a Chia pet and suggest that she 
harvest its contents and bring it to next year's Seder. If this fails, 
invite her to spend next Passover back in her college town at 
her local food coop's annual Vegan Seder.

5. Uncle Joey and His Latest Squeeze:

Twice divorced and in his sixties, Uncle Joey has arrived with 
his latest girlfriend, a twenty-two year-old fashion model from 
La Jolla who is into deep sea diving, motorcycle gangs and 
Joey's investment portfolio. They arrive dressed in matching 
leather motorcycle outfits and enough metal chains to tie 
King Kong securely to the stern of the QE2. Throughout the 
Seder the two of them keep dropping sprigs of parsley 
seductively into each other's mouths, performing a veritable 
sonata of coos, giggles and smooches.

Strategy: Suggest that their leather attire makes them the perfect 
candidates for acting out the passages "Slaves we were unto 
Pharaoh in Egypt" and volunteer them to do something original 
and kinky with the bitter herbs and the charoset. If this fails, 
dress up as a 1950's movie matron and shine flashlights at 
them for the entire length of the Seder.

I hope these suggestions help make your Seder more meaningful 
and enjoyable, if not unforgettable. Chag Sameach 
("Happy - or joyful - Holiday" in Hebrew)!

-------------------------------------------------------
Burt Schuman, a former New York City schoolteacher, 
is the rabbi at Temple Beth Israel in Altoona, Pennsylvania.