Subject: Jewish Look at Jewish history. Unrelieved lamenting would be intolerable. So for every ten Jews beating their breasts, God designated one to be crazy and amuse the breast beaters. By the time I was five I knew I was that one. * Mel Brooks The time is at hand when the wearing of a prayer shawl and skullcap will not bar a man from the White House, unless, of course, the man is Jewish. * Jules Farber Even if you are Catholic, if you live in New York you're Jewish. If you live in Butte, Montana, you are going to be goyish even if you are Jewish. * Lenny Bruce The remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she served us nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found. * Calvin Trillin Even a secret agent can't lie to a Jewish mother. * Peter Malkin It's so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then don't say it. * Sam Levenson God will pardon me. It's His business. * Heinrich Heine I went on a diet, swore off drinking and heavy eating, and in fourteen days I had lost exactly two weeks. * Joe E. Lewis Bankruptcy is a legal proceeding in which you put your money in your pants pocket and give your coat to your creditors. * Sam Goldwyn I have enough money to last me the rest of my life unless I buy something. * Jackie Mason A politician is a man who will double cross that bridge when he comes to it. * Oscar Levant I don't want any yes-men around me. I want everybody to tell me the truth even if it costs them their jobs. * Sam Goldwyn When I bore people at a party, they think it is their fault. * Henry Kissinger When I bore people at a party, I remind them of Henry Kissinger. * Morrie Ellis