The Eternal Jewish Truths OR You Grandmother's Bible
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The optimist sees the bagel, the pessimist sees the hole. 

If you can't say something nice, say it in Yiddish.

If it tastes good, it's probably not kosher.

After the destruction of the Second Temple, God created Loehmann's.

Who else could have invented the 50-minute hour?

Why spoil a good meal with a big tip?

WASPs leave and never say good-bye; Jews say good-bye and never leave.

Twenty percent off is a bargain; fifty percent off is a mitzvah.

Remember, even Sandy Koufax didn't play ball on Yom Kippur.

Israel is the land of milk and honey; Florida is the land of milk of 
magnesia.

Never pay retail.

No one leaves a Jewish wedding hungry; then again, no one leaves with a 
hangover.

And what's so wrong with dry turkey?

Always leave a little room for the Viennese table. 

Always whisper the names of diseases.

If you don't eat, it will kill me.

Anything worth saying is worth repeating a thousand times.

The two most important words to know in any language - "On Sale."

Where there's smoke, there may be smoked salmon.

Never take a front-row seat at a bris.

Prune Danish is definitely an acquired taste.

Next year in Jerusalem; The year after that, how about a nice cruise? 

Important Jewish holidays are ones which alternate-side-of-the-street 
parking is suspended.

A shmata is a dress that your husband's ex is wearing. 

Without Jewish mothers, who would need therapy?

Before you read the menu, read the prices.

There comes a time in every man's life when he must stand up and tell his 
mother he's an adult; this usually happens at around age 45.

Tsuris is a Yiddish word that means your child is marrying someone who's 
father is a bricklayer.

No meal is complete without leftovers. 

What business is a yente in?  Yours.

If you have to ask the price, you can't afford it. But if you can afford 
it, make sure you tell everybody what you paid.

Prozac is like chicken soup: it doesn't cure anything, but it makes you 
feel better.

Laugh now, but one day you too will be driving a big Cadillac and eating 
dinner at four in the afternoon.

Schmeer today, gone tomorrow.