1. Andy Rooney on Vegetarians:
"Vegetarian - that's an old Indian word meaning 
'lousy hunter.'"

2. Andy Rooney On Prisoners:
Did you know that it costs forty-thousand dollars a 
year to house each prisoner? Jeez, for forty-thousand 
bucks apiece, I'll take a few prisoners into my house. 
I live in Los Angeles. I already have bars on the windows. 
I don't think we should give free room and board to criminals.
I think they should have to run twelve hours a day on a 
treadmill and generate electricity. And if they don't want to 
run, they can rest in the chair that's hooked up to the 
generator.

3. Andy Rooney On Fabric Softener:
My wife uses fabric softener. I never knew what that stuff 
was for. Then I noticed women coming up to me, sniffing, then 
saying under their breath, "Married!" and walking away. 
Fabric Softeners are how our wives mark their territory. 
We can take off the ring, but it's hard to get that
April fresh scent out of your clothes.

4. Andy Rooney On Morning Differences :
Men and women are different in the morning. We men wake 
up aroused in the morning. We can't help it. We just wake up 
and we want you. And the women are thinking, 'How can he want 
me the way I look in the morning?' It's because we can't see you. 
We have no blood anywhere near our optic nerve.

5. Andy Rooney On Phone-In-Polls:
You know those shows where people call in and vote on different 
issues? Did you ever notice there's always like 18% that say 
"I don't know." It costs 90 cents to call up and vote and 
they're voting "I don't know." Honey, I feel very strongly 
about this. Give me the phone. (Says into phone)
"I DON'T KNOW!" (Hangs up looking proud.) Sometimes you 
have to stand up for what you believe you're not sure about.
"This guy probably calls up phone sex girls for $2.95 to 
say, "I'm not in the mood."

6. Andy Rooney On Cripes:
My wife's from the Midwest. Very nice people there. 
Very wholesome. They use words like 'Cripes'. 'For Cripe's sake.' 
Who would that be. Jesus Cripe's? The son of 'Gosh' of 
the church of 'Holy Moly'? I'm not making fun of it.
You think I wanna burn in 'Heck'?

8. Andy Rooney On Answering Machines:
Did you ever hear one of these corny, positive messages 
on someone's answering machine? " Hi , it's a great day 
and I'm out enjoying it right now. I hope you are too. 
The thought for the day is: "Share the love." Beep. 
"Uh, yeah...this is the VD clinic calling....Speaking of 
being positive, your test results are back. 
Stop sharing the love."

9. Andy Rooney on Research:
Because over the past few years, more money has been spent 
on breast implants and Viagra than is spent on Alzheimer's 
Disease research, it is believed that by the year 2030 there 
will be a large number of people wandering around with huge 
breasts and erections...
who can't remember what to do with them.