Log On : Makin' the wood stove hotter.
Log Off : Don't add any more wood.
Monitor : Keep an eye on the wood stove.
Download : Gettin' the firewood off the pickup.
Mega Hertz: When yer not careful downloadin' (watch th' toes).
Floppy Disk: Whatcha get from pilin' too much firewood.
Disk Operating System : The equipment the Doc uses when you have a
        floppy disk.
RAM : The hydraulic thingy that makes the woodsplitter work.
Hard Drive : Gettin' home in mud season.
Prompt : What you wish the mail was in mud season.
Windows : What to shut when it's 30 below.
Screen : What you need for black fly season.
Byte : What black flies do.
Chip : What to munch on.
Micro Chip : What's left in the bag when the chips are gone.
Infrared : Where the leftovers go when Fred's around.
Modem : What you did to the hay fields.
Dot Matrix : John Matrix's wife.
Printer : Someone who can't write in cursive.
Lap Top : Where little kids feel comfy.
Keyboard : Where you hang your keys.
Software : Them plastic eatin' utensils.
486 : One of them fancy imported cars.
Mouse : What eats the horses' grain in the barn.
Main Frame : The part of the barn that holds the roof up.
Port : Fancy wine.
Enter : C'mon in!
Random Access Memory : When you suddenly can't remember how much
        that new rifle costs when your wife asks.
Digital : Like those numbers that flip on your alarm clock.
Apple : If you don't know what an apple is, I ain't tellin'.
Program : What's on the TV when there's reception.
CD ROM : The place in the back where they sell retirement accounts.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Telecommunications Dictionary
 
      Term               Definition.
      ----               -----------
      Modem              What landscapers do to dem lawns.
 
      Token Ring         A virtual engagement gift.
 
      Ethernet           A device for catching the Ether Bunny.
 
      DataPac            A size 14 girl in a size 8 bikini.
 
      Asynch             A place to wash your hands.
 
      Bisynch            The place where Elton John washes his hands.
 
      BBS                Tall tales told by insects that produce honey.
 
      ASCII              Ancient god of Telecommunications.  Rumored to
                         give vast amounts of data to believers. Hence, the
                         phrase "ASCII and you shall receive."
 
      Block Parity       One heck of a good time.
 
      Carrier Detect     Raison d'etre
 
      File Transfer      Procedure followed by INFORMATION CENTER staff
                         who are tired of their present jobs.
 
      Hayes Compatible   Prone to riding with a grizzled old cowhand who
                         sings off-key. Gene Autry is the industry standard.
 
      Serial Interface   A spoon.
 
      Terminal Emulation A function performed by a canary that lays on
                         its back with its legs in the air.
 
      XMODEM             A device on the losing end of a lightning
                         encounter.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
True computer acronyms...

WWW - World Wide Wait

AOL - Almost On-Line

PCMCIA - People Can't Memorize Computer Industry Acronyms

ISDN - It Still does Nothing

APPLE - Arrogance Produces Profit-Losing Entity

DOS - Defunct Operating System

BASIC - Bill's Attempt to Seize Industry Control

IBM - I Blame Microsoft

CD-ROM - Consumer Device, Rendered Obsolete in Months

OS/2 - Obsolete Soon, Too

MACINTOSH - Most Applications Crash; If Not, The Operating System
            Hangs