The Only Country
by Yair Lapid 

This is the only country where a patriot is someone in a 
car at a red light who buys from a Russian boy a blue and 
white flag that was manufactured by a Thai worker out of 
fabric woven in a Gaza sweat-shop. 

It's the only country where 61% of the population supports 
the mobility of the diagonal band, but only 12% of them 
actually know what it is. 

It's the only country where the unemployed go on strike. 

It's the only country where a trans-national highway stops in 
the middle, the 'Ben-Gurion Airport 2000' project is still 
unopened in 2003, water imports are starting in the wettest 
year ever, and the Pi-Glilot gas complex has been dismantled 
and moved eight times, but it's still there.

It's the only  country where 60-somethings still despise 
their platoon commander from basic training. 

It's the only country with two Finance Ministers, neither of 
whom has a red cent, a religious sage of 101 founds a political 
party, the prime minister is forbidden to serve as Defense 
Minister under a ruling issued by a government committee, 
the opposition completely forgot to field a candidate in the 
capital city, and members of parliament who chose to remain 
silent can't be shut up. 

It's the only country where the Transport Ministry has erected 
a roadside sign reading: "Cohens, keep to the left of the road", 
and now our only hope is that the Cohens will drive a little 
faster. 

And it's the only  country where theater-goers set their VCRs 
to record a tacky soap-opera about theater. 

It's the only  country where people visiting your home for the 
first time ask  "Can I help myself from the fridge?"(If your 
lucky. some don't ask) 

It's the only  country where no woman has ever got along with 
her mother, but even so they all phone their mother three times 
a day, twice at your expense. 

It's the only  country where people show you photos of their 
kids, even when the kids are present (and terribly embarrassed). 

It's the only  country where you can assess the security 
situation by the songs on the radio. 

It's the only  country where the rich are the socialist left, 
the poor are with the capitalist right-wing, and the 
middle-classes pay for everything. 

It's the only  country where it's a custom to accuse politicians 
of wanting a car - a Swedish car with the acceleration of a 
tractor. 

It's the only country where a corporal's mother has the 
cell-phone number of the platoon commander (and he better watch 
out...) 

It's the only  country where the top hit at E-filled trance 
clubs is a schmaltzy army song from twenty years ago, where a 
singer whose project is a mega-hit still lives with his parents 
in suburban Kfar Saba, the toughest rap artist is called Muky 
(a name usually given to a puppy), and Zvika Pick's comeback 
has lasted ten years, so far. 

It's the only  country that's launched a telecommunication 
satellite in space, but where no one lets you finish a sentence. 

It's the only  country that has taken missiles from Iraq, 
Katyushas from the Lebanon, suicide bombers from Gaza, and 
shells from Syria, yet a three-roomed apartment still costs 
more than one in Paris. 

It's the only  country where porn stars are still asked 
"What does your mother think?", footballers bring their dads 
to the game to shout at the coach, and on Fridays - when 
everyone goes home to visit the family - everyone sits exactly 
where they sat aged five. 

It's the only  country where an Israeli meal is composed of 
Arab salad, Romanian kebabs, Iraqi pita bread, and creme 
Bavaria - we seem to like eating anti-Semites. 

It's the only  country where a man in a grubby open-collared 
shirt is the distinguished minister, and the guy standing next 
to him in a suit and tie is his driver. 

It's the only  country where the expression "I didn't bother 
you" means that I want to bother you. 

It's the only  country where Muslims sell holy souvenirs to 
Christians, in return for notes bearing the features of 
Maimonides. 

It's the only  country where you leave home at 18, and at 24 
you're still living there. 

It's the only country where it's easy to find software for 
launching satellites, but you have to wait a week until 
someone repairs your washing-machine. And while on this subject, 
it's only here that a unit of time exists known as "I'll get to 
you between eleven and six". 

It's the only  country where, on a first date, the guy asks the 
woman where she did her army service. It's also the only  
country where it transpires that she was more of a combat 
soldier than you were... 

It's the only  country where just 60 seconds separates the 
saddest day from the happiest. 

It's the only  country where most people can't explain why they 
live where they do, but have masses of reasons why it's the 
best place to live. 

It's the only country where, if you despise politicians, abhor 
clerks, hate the situation, are disgusted with the taxes, 
loathe the standard of service, and detest the weather, 
it's a sign that you love it. 

And it's the only country I could ever live in.